First up, my Ellie is sick again. She has had one cold after another, after another! Her left eardrum burst a couple of weeks ago, and just a mere 3 days after finishing her antibiotics-she developed a horrible cold that left us wondering what had happened to the healthy baby girl we once knew. Thankfully, Jon was off and able to take her to get her healing ear checked out, along with everything else. Turns out, her ear is healing great (praise God), but the other ear was bulging and red, and she has a lot of crackling and congestion in her lungs. So, now she’s on Erythromycin for a week. I am SO THANKFUL that she is getting what she needs to sleep and get well, but I’ve been feeling like the worst mommy ever. Especially when all I hear is “she’s sick…again”. They don’t mean anything by it, but I of course, feel horribly guilty that she has to be exposed to the germs from my teaching all day, her Daddy being at a hospital all day, and fulltime daycare. This is just the way life is for now. Many moms and dads deal with this kind of thing all the time. But for some reason, it feels like a personal failure when my little one gets sick. I know, I need to just get over it. I just wish I could take her place and spare her the discomfort. (Welcome to mommyhood, right).
Secondly, the number 34.
34 is the number of days that we have left before we are projected to move into a place to rent. Our goal is to be moved by April 1st so that we can get settled before baby girl #2 arrives at the end of May. Oh-and we have no prospects in sight. There are many amazing houses, but none of them have quite worked out. I am having to let Jon handle it all because my nerves and blood pressure just can’t handle it, (I seem to be incapable of being rational and objective while pregnant). Again, I know God is in control. But, I am really struggling, more like wrestling with trusting God completely with this whole situation. But-I’m slowly beating down the enemy. I have been reading a “verse of the day” devotion and have found it amazingly applicable all week. So while I feel like I’m failing miserably at trusting God, I also feel like I have stopped fighting, and am now just resting in God’s arms. I have nothing left. I give up the fight. You win Lord. I don’t know how to solve this problem. “Wake me when we get there.”
Finally, the weirdest thing happened last night. I was driving home from my school’s Science Fair, and I suddenly felt extremely compelled to pray for this family that I don’t know. Let me back up. Last weekend, we found the perfect house to rent. It was everything we wanted, great size, the right price, pets allowed, and a fantastic location. We had already turned in our application for a credit check, and were feeling “in” with the real estate rep of the property.
So, back to my strange discernment experience: Jon had shared with me that the property was available because the family living in the home was going through a divorce. At first, I was sad – but my thoughts turned to other things. But last night, I felt a very strong prompting from God to pray specifically for this family. So, on my drive home, I began praying that God would restore this family, that he would encourage reconciliation between the couple, and would protect the children (if any) from emotional damage. That this was even more important that the whole house thing.
So I get home, catching up with Jon, and he gets an email from the real estate rep. Turns out, the property is suddenly no longer available (Jon had just turned in our application hours earlier, mind you). When he read further, he shared that the family currently renting the home had decided not to proceed with the divorce, and to reconcile, and thus-stay in the home.
I almost started crying-reacting to the strange combo of emotions I was feeling from disappointment in losing such a great possible home, and elation in feeling like God had almost prepared me on the way home for the news we were to receive. I also felt like, it the Heavenly realm, the fact that this couple was pursuing reconciliation was so much more significant and important than our renting that property. It was really cool, and weird.
So, here we are again, back at square one. There are times when I question myself. When I question the decision that we’ve made to take the crazy leap of faith and move out of our house so that I can stay home with our kids. And yet, I know without a doubt that I have made the best decision for my family. God has confirmed this multiple times to me throughout the past couple of months.
Last weekend, I felt like my trust in God was nothing but lip service, so I decided to write down my prayer of Thanksgiving. Maybe speaking and proclaiming God’s truth every time will help to convince my head of what I already know in my heart.
A few days later, I was listening to a song that spoke of how God uses our lives, our trials, and our experiences-to minister to others. He is able to use his miraculous works in our lives to bring ultimate Glory to Himself! So, here I am, in a place of humility sharing that even though I am scared, uncertain, and unknowing of how all things will work out for our family in the next 34 days-I am confident that God will not only answer our prayers, but use our circumstances to bring Glory to Himself. So many times in Jon and my marriage, God has orchestrated circumstances that push us out the spotlight, so that all of the Glory can be His alone! I know that God is doing this once more, so I gladly step aside, and say-To God be the Glory for the things He WILL do and has already done!
